Pirate Assassins and their Metal Friends

Steadying himself atop the speeding Lamborghini, the Sorcelator drew his twin wands - Hurt and Burn. He was going to make damn sure the Pirate Assassins and their Metal Friends rued this day, and rued it hard. -The Song of the Sorcelator, page 192

The Pirate Assassins and their Metal Friends are, on the surface, one of the most popular Cyberock bands in Fehtahn, with such hits as "Ballad of the Ultravelociraptor" and "The Wail of the Were-Ghost." Secretly, they actually are Pirate assassins, taking on only the most Extreme of contracts. They also run a huge Drugalicious ring, and they smuggle Portamentian Gin into the few cities Lame enough to have outlawed it. Besides that, they generally use heavy amounts of the Drugalicious and Portamentian Gin that they smuggle, and spend most of their free time partying in a most Dangerous way, scoring with many buxom fox dancers and drunkenly causing wicked sweet explosions.

Band Members

Laserbeard - The lead singer and leader of the Pirate Assassins. His name isn't just to sound Badass, as he actually does have a beard made of pure lasers. How this is possible has been a point of much fan speculation, but usually this discussion ends with everyone agreeing that it's still Awesome. He drinks enough Portamentian Gin and does enough Drugalicious to kill a Megazebra in the course of the average morning. He's also a Sorcelator of Fieriness, and uses his abilities primarily to make Wicked Sweet Explosions for band performances and also to kill his enemies in a totally Badass way.

Ace Tomahawk - The lead, rythym, and bass guitarist for the band. When his arms were cut off by ninjas, he had them replaced with 6 robotic arms, each taken from a Battle Mecharoid he killed without the use of his arms. As such, he's able to play 3 laser guitars simultaneously. During the height of his Laser Guitar solos, it is said that he completely disintegrates the panties of Cyberpunk Wasteland Chicks with his dangerously Awesome skills. In combat, he uses his six arms to wield a variety of swords and guns simultaneously. Truly, a Dangerous foe.

DeathDoom 9-X - The robotic drummer. His outer hull is made from pitch black Asplodalon, and he is rumored to be powered by a tiny Bedarkened Sun. In any case, he is the most Gritty and Dangerous Battle Mecharoid you could meet, with the exception of XTRM-257. He rarely speaks or sings, as his voice is so deep it causes earthquakes. This is one of his primary methods of attack, the others being mainly rocket launchers.

The rest of the Pirate crew is composed of Xyborgs and Battle Mecharoids, and do not play in the band.

Role in the Song

After escaping General Grabflank and his armies, Grimm Shado took respite in a remote desert outpost. Entering the first seedy dive he finds, he instantly makes all the Cyberpunk Wasteland Chicks inside swoon with his mysterious and dark (and Dangerous) style (as always happens when Grimm Shado enters a bar). The buxom fox dancers that Laserbeard was totally about to score with suddenly start paying attention to Grimm instead. Laserbeard is righteously pissed off and makes Grimm's table explode in an Awesome manner with his Fieriness magic. Grimm is thrown by the explosion, but of course gets up unscathed. Grimm goes to waste Laserbeard like the punk he is, but he suddenly finds himself surrounded by the Pirate Assassin's metal friends. Not yet having his two wands, and already worn out from escaping General Grabflank's army, he makes an escape with the help of Brandi.

Later on in Tome 1, Grimm Shado meets the Pirate Assassins and their Metal Friends again, this time in the streets of a desert metropolis. This time the whole band is there, along with all of their metal friends. In what is considered by some fans to be the most righteously Extreme fight in all of Tome 1, Grimm fights the Pirate Assassins atop speeding Lamborghinis and Ferraris through the city streets, blowing up buildings and cars in the process. Grimm finally defeated the Pirates when he caused two semi trucks (carrying nitroglycerine and plutonium respectively) to crash simultaneously into the Pirate Assassins (resulting in the most Wicked Sweet Explosion of all time) as Grimm sped to saftey by jumping over a pile of wreckage on his Magnabike.

Song of the Sorcelator